Bullying: An Epidemic

One of the jobs of a teacher is to make their classroom a safe place for all students— a place where kids can come and feel like they belong, matter, and are heard. Most teachers I know of do a pretty good job at that, or at least trying their best to do so. Unfortunately, there are some kids who are pretty good at taking a safe place and making it feel not so safe by being a bully. And, equally as unfortunate, these kids are usually sneaky in their ways, often getting away with their behaviors until a situation becomes more serious. 

Bullying isn’t a new problem— it’s an issue that has been present in schools as long as schools have been around, and I don’t see it going anywhere anytime soon. As teachers, we have the responsibility to keep our eyes and ears open and to intervene any time we become aware of a bullying situation. We cannot turn a blind eye to this problem. 

So what can we do? To start, we can teach kindness and acceptance in our homes to our own children as well as to our students in our classrooms. We can encourage students to talk to a trusted adult when they see or hear bullying behaviors or when they are the victim of those behaviors. We can make our selves more aware of what is going on around us. Getting to know our students helps in several ways— it creates a relationship of trust and also can help us notice if something seems “off” or different. We need to be active listeners, doers, and watchers within the walls of our classrooms and our schools. 

If we do become aware of a problem, we can involve administration if needed. Beyond discipline, most admins will be willing to come into your classroom and talk about bullying and the problems it can cause— and the consequences that may result. 

Last school year, my second grader came home one day and told us that a classmate had been mean to him verbally and physically. We talked through the situation and discussed how he can handle it if it happened again. Unfortunately, it did continue happening. My son said he had told the recess aid whenever it would happen, but nothing changed. At this point, I emailed his teacher and explained what had been happening. I was so impressed with how she handled it; it was immediate and firm. She set up new class guidelines and made sure her students knew that she would not tolerate any kind of mean behavior in her classroom. She let them know that if she heard or saw anything happening, there would be immediate consequences and that the principal would become involved. She instituted a kindness challenge where students were given a grid of kind things to do for others. Once they had completed all the tasks on the grid, they could bring their paper back for a prize. Not only did she address the issue of bullying, she went a step further and encouraged all her students to be kinder and more patient with one another. Thankfully the problems my son was experiencing stopped, and the rest of the school year was just fine.

I know not all bullying situations are resolved as quickly and easily as my son’s was. I know for some students, it goes on for weeks, months, or even years, slowly eating away at the victim’s mental health and self esteem. It takes a toll. 

Cyber bullying is becoming more prevalent as technology continues to evolve. Kids (and sadly, even adults) can hide behind a screen and target individuals. Information spreads quickly via the internet, and can be done without the victim ever knowing who the bully is. This kind of bullying is dangerous and scary. It is also cowardly, as the bully doesn’t even have to come face to face with their targets. They can hide in the comfort of their own homes while slowly destroying someone else’s life. 

I don’t know that there are any easy or sure fire solutions to this epidemic happening in our schools. But I do know that we as teachers can make a difference by being alert, attentive, and aware of what is happening around us. We can be proactive by teaching and encouraging kindness. We can be assertive when we notice something happening and get those involved the help they need. While we may not be able to rid the world of bullying, we can certainly start a change within our own classrooms.

Anti-Bullying Resilience Skills: A Work In Progress #TeacherMom

My almost 8-year old recently came home sharing how she has been struggling with another kid in school that has been teasing her. She described the embarrassment she feels when he does this, and the way it often embarrasses and upsets her classmates as well.

After listening, I asked her if she’d like to watch a video about how we might respond to bullies. She agreed, so we watched this one by Brooks Gibbs that I’ve shared here before:

Our favorite part was when Brooks responded to “You’re ugly!” with, “You have the face of an angel, sweet-cheeks” (it’s now an inside-joke we share, quoting it pretty much daily).

We talked about everything Brooks explained: power, not playing the game, resilience, not caring what others think. It all seemed straightforward enough.

But as much as my daughter enjoyed and seemed to understand the video, she still had some hang-ups on all those concepts. Responding that way seemed too embarrassing. And how could she really just not care about what other kids think?

And it hit me. Even with all the love and support my daughter receives, this still gets really complicated for our kids when it comes to the actual process of building resilience skills. It takes a lot more than the occasional fun pep talk and advice. Building resilience skills is hard, messy work.

So here’s what our process looked like:

First, we discussed weighing the embarrassment. “Would you rather respond in a way that might make you feel a little hesitant or embarrassed now, but that will get the bully to stop in the long-run, OR would you rather just keep feeling humiliated and embarrassed again and again and again as the bully decides he/she can get to you?”

Second, we rehearsed some role play, as advised by Josh Shipp. It actually surprised me how tricky this was in practice, which is probably why Josh describes the kinds of responses we shoot for as counter-intuitive. So, we went with the baseline bully insult, “You’re gross!”

Response idea #1: A casual, “Hm. I don’t think so.” But we realized that the bully might take that response as an argument and feed off it (“Well, I think so because I KNOW so!”)

Response idea #2: A passive, “Ok.” But then we realized that the bully could still possibly take that as, “Oh, she doesn’t know what to say? Let’s do it AGAIN!”

Response idea #3: With a smile, “Yeah, sometimes I do do gross things.” We knew we were on the right track there, because it shows the bully she’s not bothered by the insult. Of course, we continue to joke about adding, “You have the face of an angel, sweet-cheeks.” 

Best part was when she came back and told me she has been training all her friends at school on these concepts! She specifically told them that when they respond with, “Stop, you’re hurting my feelings,” that bullies love that (Brooks’ hilarious bully voice: “That’s the point, stupid“). They even practiced role-playing together!

I know this is the first of many resilience skills-building sessions we’ll need to have. But I’m grateful to understand now the way we need to go deeper and work through a messy but worthwhile process!

featured image: DeathToTheStockPhoto

3 Timeless Lessons From “The Yellow Star” About Cyberbullying

The “Yellow Star” by Carmen Agra Deedy beautifully illustrates the legend of King Christian X standing with his Jewish people by wearing a yellow star during Nazi occupation.

And while the Danish Jews were never actually forced to wear the star, confirmation of the king’s support for his Jewish people have surfaced, including “substantial evidence that the King actually suggested the idea of everyone wearing the yellow star should the Danish Jews be forced to wear it.” (source)

Legend or not, this 20th century story highlights timeless lessons of humanity that we find especially applicable to the 21st century subject of cyberbullying.

  1. Teach Solidarity

“Early in the year 1940…there were only Danes. Tall Danes, stout Danes, cranky Danes, even Great Danes.”

We must actively teach our students that what we have in common outweighs our differences. Cyberbullying offers a shroud of anonymity that can tempt some people to forget that a living, feeling human being is on the other side of that unkind post or dehumanizing poll. We can bring that shroud out of obscurity by directly talking about it. About digital citizenship. About the human experience. And about whether it’s really worth making someone else feel like they don’t belong.

  1. Teach Courage

“If you wished to hide a star,” wondered the king to himself, “where would you place it?” His eyes searched the heavens. “Of course!” he thought. The answer was so simple. “You would hide it among its sisters.”

I recently came across a disturbing article about a poll for the ugliest girl at a high school. And though the young woman who was targeted responded courageously, I was left wondering how each kid involved in that poll could have acted with more courage, too. How can we teach them to take initiative and take a stand, even if it isn’t very popular? I believe it starts with us. We need to model the courage to stand up and say no, even in a society that often turns “cruelty into entertainment and sport.”  

  1. Teach Empathy

“What if the good and strong people of the world stood shoulder to shoulder, crowding the streets and filling the squares, saying,’ You cannot do this injustice to our sisters and brothers, or you must do it to us as well.’ What if?”

Empathy requires us to truly reach other people. It rejects in-group/out-group. It embraces vulnerability and imperfections. It places genuine value on every human being. Cyberbullying creates in-group/out-groups. It exploits people’s vulnerabilities and imperfections. And it tears apart the self-worth of everyone it can. We need teachers who will dare to voice exactly what cyberbullying is all about, “Go[ing] beyond praising the right behaviors — proactively counteract[ing] the forces that stand in their way. This is where standing up, not just standing by, comes in.” (“Empathy: The Most Important Back-to-School Supply”).

King Christian X’s Jewish people may never have been forced to wear the yellow star, but his solidarity, courage, and empathy are likely what prevented that unjust mandate to begin with. What could these three qualities do for your students, your school, and your community?

Image credit: the lost gallery